pedialite and red bull = repair kit
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
