I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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