So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
meet me or not, i'm out of control
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
