OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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