I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Randomize
