I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
