if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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