dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
