Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
