ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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