The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am available for nakedness
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
