i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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