it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize