I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I would fuck him just for his dog
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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