Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
