help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
