I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize