now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
