The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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