i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize