I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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