Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
