I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
