Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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