True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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