My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
