Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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