I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
