nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She bit a glass in half.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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