She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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