she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
