new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
