I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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