good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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