I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
