dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
