I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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