I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
