ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
