When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
