so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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