but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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