I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize