who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sext me about skeletons
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
