Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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