Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
