i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
