Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
