should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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