I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
