As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
