just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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