I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
