ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
