Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
