someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
