I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
