So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
