u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Randomize
