All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
