don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
