im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
