I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize